


What's Left of Me

by sgteam14283



Series: Better Version of Me [6]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, F/M, Post-Break Up, Semi-Public Sex, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27441865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sgteam14283/pseuds/sgteam14283
Summary: As the war draws to an end at a rapid pace, realities start to set in, and things fall apart.
Relationships: Female Ryder | Sara/James Vega
Series: Better Version of Me [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1707859
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy N7 Day! This one skips ahead towards Priority: Earth but there's no lost information.

Anna Ryder felt the mattress shift and tensed before she remembered where she was. The Normandy was docked at the Citadel and they’d crashed at Shepard’s apartment after dancing most of the night at Purgatory. Cracking open a bleary eye, she saw Vega sitting by her feet, a tray balanced on his lap. 

“How are you up before me? I didn’t even drink as much as you.” she muttered into the pillow. She was still taking it easy due to the injuries she’d received while fighting on Tuchanka. And if to remind her of that, her left arm gave a slight twitch underneath the plaster cast that was showing the wear and tear of being on for the better part of a month.

“I make breakfast for everyone, gotta get up early for that. How’s the arm?” Vega said as Anna fully sat up and glimpsed the fading bruises scattered across her face and new scars that still looked fresh. Ryder getting hurt had made James realize that he wanted something other than the shore leave fling they’d been having. He was lucky that she felt the same way and they’d been growing closer while she recovered on the Normandy.

“Hmmm…okay I guess. Chakwas is gonna look at it today to see if I can get the cast off.” Anna watched as James set the tray in front of her and inhaled the smell of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. “I could get used to breakfast in bed. You treat all the girls like this?”

“Only the ones I like.” Vega smiled as he leaned in to give her a kiss, the silverware making a slight _clink_ as they were pushed together with the plate.

The kiss was slow and teasing, Anna’s lips still dry from sleeping scraping against James’s and she didn’t want it to end. In the back of her mind she had a startling thought and didn’t know what to make of it.

“James I-” Anna started to say as they parted for air but cut off. The words were on the tip of her tongue, _I love you_ , but at the same time she couldn’t say them. She’d never said those words to anyone before, watching her parent’s marriage disintegrate and Alec throwing himself into his work made her promise that she would never get that far. 

She would rather be alone than go through something like that.

Besides, it had only been a month since they’d actually been together and normally she didn’t stick around long enough for those words to ever come up. But the war and especially Tuchanka had made her realize that she shouldn’t hesitate on going for things.

But she did, biting her lower lip with her teeth Anna swallowed the declaration.

“What?” James looked at the startled expression on Anna’s face and wondered what was going on in her head.

“I wanted to say good morning.” Anna said before giving him another lingering kiss. “You think you have some time for...us?” she asked while giving James a smile.

“You sure?”

“I wouldn’t bring it up if I wasn’t.”

“Okay.” James set the tray on the floor and scooted back towards her and instead of being directly on top of her, was more on the actual bed. Leaning towards Anna, he pressed a gentle kiss against her neck while skimming a hand over the cover and resting it on her hip.

“James.”

“Hm?”

“I’m fine, please stop treating me like I’m made out of glass.” Anna huffed a smile as a slight flush appeared on his face.

“I just don’t-”

“I know.” she put her hand on the side of his face, brushing her thumb along his cheek. “I’ll let you know if I’m uncomfortable or anything. I promise.”

“Good.” They rolled until he was the one wrapped in the covers and she was straddling him. Placing his hands on her thighs, he met her green gaze and paused, not sure what the look behind them meant. Then the moment passed and he slid his hands underneath the oversized Texas Stars shirt, spidering his fingers up towards her breasts.

Anna arched as his hands brushed her ribs and continued up, closing her eyes and letting her head slightly drop back. It had been awhile since they’d had sex and to say that she’d missed it would be an understatement. Then his hands were cupping her breasts and she felt the pressure between her legs grow. Slowly she started to move her hips back and forth against him, over the covers and let out a laugh as she felt movement beneath her.

“Someone’s excited.” she teased, letting out a small gasp as he ghosted his thumb over her skin. 

“I’d say the same, but I know you.” James rumbled, moving his hips to match Anna’s movements.

“You do? And what am I saying right now?” Anna ground against him and suppressed a smile at the flash of annoyance that swept across James’s face.  
James took a breath before answering, “That you want to scream my name.”

Anna raised an eyebrow and slowly dragged her shirt off before tossing it behind her, so the only thing she was wearing were the sleep shorts she favored. “Not screaming but the idea is still the same.” 

James sat up and shifted so that Anna was sitting in his lap with her legs wrapped around his torso. Not for the first time he sent a silent thanks to whatever universal forces there were that sent Ryder into his path. He’d never felt this way with someone and he didn’t think that he ever would.

Afterwards as Anna lay next to James, his arm draped across her stomach, she felt the earlier feeling again. The one where she didn’t feel like running, that she’d somehow listened to what her mother had said and fallen in love. “ _Or at least something close to it._ ” she thought while turning onto her side and saw that James was half-awake. 

“James?”

“Hm?”

Anna took a breath, willing herself to say the words. But again they stuck in her mouth and she swallowed them a second time. “Do you think you could reheat my breakfast? Cold eggs are just the worst.”

James gave her a lazy smile while fully sitting up, “Sure. Anything for you, Freckles.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Congrats on graduating N2, Vega. When does N3 start?”

“Not sure. Probably not until the war’s over.”

Anna Ryder looked up at the statement, not hearing the rest of the conversation from her spot in the Kodiak. Since being relegated to light duty because of her injuries, she’d started helping Cortez with shuttle upkeep.

“ _N school…James never mentioned that he got recommended for it, let alone got in. Why didn’t he tell me?_ ” she wondered while absently chewing her bottom lip.

“Hey Ryder, finished with that diagnostic yet?” Cortez’s head appeared around the divider and she slightly jumped, forgetting that Steve was there as well.

“Uh…yeah, almost.” She stood while handing Steve the pad. “So far things look good.”

“It says here the forward thruster needs maintenance. You okay?” Steve raised an eyebrow, normally Ryder caught things like that but she suddenly seemed off.

“Sorry. Didn’t get much sleep last night. Heat from the stealth drive kept me up.” Anna fibbed, trying to cover her tracks. “I’ll get started on it.”

James looked up at seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, seeing Ryder crossing the shuttle bay floor. Watching her move to where the tools were kept he felt a warmth fill his chest. Spending time together while off-duty he’d started to think about what they should do when the war was over; most of his relationships never got that far. But with Anna though, things were different and for once he thought about the long term.

“I’m off-duty in five.” Vega asked as he leaned against the wall, glancing at Ryder. “Want to do something? I heard that Joker was going to get a poker game going and I could use the extra credits.”

“Sorry, busy with the front thruster on the Kodiak. Not sure how long it’ll take.” Anna kept her eyes on the rack, not trusting herself to keep it together if she looked at him.

“Let Cortez handle it, you’re on light duty y’know.” He playfully walked his fingers up Ryder’s right arm. They’d kept the PDA to a minimum, but no one else was around so he took the risk. “Besides, I think Joker can convince Lola to show up. It’s been awhile since the Commander really took a break."

“I said I’m _busy_.” Anna hissed, shrugging off his touch. She just needed to be alone and process everything right now. Not waiting for a reply she gathered up her tools and headed towards the front of the shuttle.

“Hey.” James followed Ryder, making sure to keep his voice down. They didn’t need to give more fuel to the ship scuttlebutt. “What’s wrong?”

“I just need to work on the shuttle, Lieutenant.”

James narrowed his eyes at the title, deciding to give Ryder the space she suddenly wanted. “I’ll leave you to it then, Corporal.”

Turning on his heel he strode towards the elevator, hoping a game of poker with Joker and others would distract him for the moment.

–

The Citadel was busy as usual but Anna Ryder hardly noticed. It had been a few weeks since she’d found out that James was in the N program. Not wanting to have a confrontation on the ship, she convinced another corporal to switch shifts. Getting used to third shift hours took some time, but it was a welcome distraction.  
Once they arrived at the station and shore leave was granted she quickly melted into the functional part of Zakarian Ward, hoping that Zev’s bar was still open for the night cycle. Luckily it was and she sat at the bar, wondering how things had ended up this way.

“You’re hard to track down these days.” James said as he sat next to Anna, knowing that this was a shitty way to talk to her. But she’d been avoiding him and he wanted to find out what was bugging her so much that she switched to third shift.

Anna would’ve left if she hadn’t been drinking Mount Milgram. “I needed some space.”

“So much that you switched shifts? It’s been weeks since I’ve actually seen you.”

“Didn’t think you’d care.” Anna drained her glass and sent a tip to the bartender’s omni-tool. Standing she made her way through the crowd, wondering if she could find a motel that had a room for the night. She just needed to be alone for a while.

James swallowed his building frustration and followed Anna out into the street.

“Hey.” He grabbed her arm, a solid enough hold that she had to stop but not harsh enough to hurt her. “We need to talk, Ryder. I honestly don’t know what I did to piss you off like this.”

Anna turned on her heels to face James as he let go of her wrist, “N training.”

“What?”

“You couldn’t even tell me…I had to find out by overhearing someone _congratulate_ you on making N2.” Anna swallowed thickly, not wanting to start crying because she’d told herself that men weren’t worth wasting tears over.

But when she was with Vega everything she’d promised herself threatened to just crumble and she was scared of what that meant. “Were you ever going to tell me or just make some excuse when you had to leave?”

James shifted, not sure how to answer. Shrugging he ran a hand across the back of his neck, “Well your father was an N7, and you have no love for him, so it wasn’t hard to guess your thoughts on the subject.”

“Yes, I don’t hide my feelings about the N program because it seemed like the only reason Alec came home between missions when I was in trouble or my mom was sick. But you…” Anna trailed off, sighing and running a hand through her hair. “you make me nervous and happy and horny all at the same time and...and it all makes me rethink it all.”

“Yeah?” Vega gave a slight smile at the statement. Aside from Tuchanka where they admitted this whole thing was more than casual, they didn’t talk about how they felt towards the other. Hearing how she felt...other than when she’d been on pain meds after being released from Huerta, this was the most she’d admitted to him.  
Anna let out a slight huff and shifted slightly, “We can talk about it more later. I need time to think.”

“About?”

“Us. Being on the Normandy. This whole thing.” Anna waved a hand between herself and Vega while talking. She ignored the flash of hurt that appeared on James’s face, turning away from him and losing herself in the mix of people bustling about.

But James wasn’t going to just let her walk away. “Hey.” he said, starting after Anna and quickly catching up with her. “Let me explain, I can-”

Anna stopped suddenly and turned to face him. “Look!” she said loudly while taking a few steps back, catching the attention of most around them. “It’s Lieutenant Vega from the Normandy!”

There was a pause and then several squeals, a small crowd converging on them. James’s vision filled with datapad’s to be signed and omni-tool’s flashing pictures all around him. He tried to clear a path, but it was hard to move through the mob of people and aliens.

Anna let the crowd swallow her and used the distraction to slip away, putting as much space between her and James as she could before he managed to get free. She needed to find somewhere that would let her crash for the night and another bar.

\--

It was a lazy morning and it showed, there was still one full day of shore leave left and no one was in a hurry to get moving if they didn’t have to. 

After escaping the crowd of fans, James had run into Traynor and Cortez at Purgatory and the rest of the night cycle was a blur of drinking and dancing. Then waking up on the room he used to share with Cortez and a hangover told James that the fight...discussion...whatever he’d had with Ryder had actually happened and not some bizarre dream.

Swallowing some aspirin for the headache and nausea, he trundled downstairs to make breakfast like he did most times while they were in Shep’s apartment. It was his way of thanking the Commander for letting the squad use the place while they were on the station, and people trickled in as the morning wore on. But he hadn’t seen Ryder and was getting slightly concerned. He knew that she could take care of herself, but he didn’t like how they left things last night. 

James knew that not telling her about N-school wasn’t the greatest move, but she’d been clear on her feelings about N levels and how it had put strain on her parent’s marriage. Plus he didn’t even think he’d get up to N2 this fast, apparently the Alliance were ‘crediting’ him the levels since he’d gone with Shepard on so many missions in Reaper Territory. 

Opening the refrigerator to put away the leftovers, he couldn’t help but think that even in this mess of a war some good was coming out of it.

“Hey...James.” 

Closing the refrigerator door, he turned to see Ryder by the door. She was still in her clothes from yesterday and looked like she hadn’t gotten much sleep. “Hey.” he replied casually, not sure where they stood.

Anna shifted her feet, not sure how to start the conversation. Clearing her throat she figured to start at the beginning, “Sorry for disappearing last night. I needed some space to think things through.”

James shrugged, “As long as you were able to find a place.”

“Uh...yeah. It took awhile but I managed to find somewhere.” She shifted her weight again and looked around to see if anyone else was around. “Listen...can we go somewhere else? We...need to talk.” 

James nodded while moving to grab his jacket that was draped over one of the bar chairs, “The Strip should be pretty clear.”

“Okay.” Anna was slightly confused, but followed Vega out the door and onto the SilverSun Strip. There were people on the walkways even at this hour of the day cycle but not so many that it was crowded.

“So…” James trailed off, not knowing where Ryder was going with this, but from the way she was acting he could only guess that it wasn’t good.

“I did a lot of thinking last night.” Anna shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and the worn synthleather groaned as it stretched. It was weird, but the sound squashed the uneasiness in her stomach and she forged ahead. “About us, about you being in N school, and about how we haven’t been communicating.”

“What do you mean? We talk about lots of stuff.”

“Right. But you kept N school from me and...I know that something happened before you met the Commander that you keep blaming yourself for. I get that you don’t like to talk about it but…” she stopped while trailing off and turned to look at the greenery display while shrugging. “I feel like you know all about my past and you’ve seen me at some low points, but I don’t know much about yours. I’m not saying you have to talk about it but I just wish I knew how to help.”

James let out a breath, running a hand through his hair. “You know why I didn’t tell you about N school.”

“But did you think that _maybe_ I could change my mind?” Anna hissed, not wanting to start a scene but at the same time she needed to let James know how upset she was. Taking a breath she continued, “Yeah, I blame N school and the Alliance for breaking up my parent’s marriage, and I thought that anything long-term wasn’t for me. But then I met you and-” she cut off and swallowed thickly, trying to hold off the tears. 

“And what?” 

Anna shook her head and started walking again. This time instead of casual, her stride was determined. 

James matched her pace, “And what, Anna?” 

“And I thought it could be different, but I guess not.”

James blew out a breath at the statement, running a hand through his hair before looking down the street. The sounds of Quasar machines could be heard through the doors of the casino and arcades that lined the strip, even this early in the day cycle. He’d always been stunned that most everyone who frequented the area were so unconcerned with what was happening outside the station walls. That while they were gambling their money away, people were actually being harvested by giant machines only for the fact of simply existing and that entire systems were being controlled by those machines. There was a disconnect that made the whole situation almost surreal and even though his personal life was crumbling right now, to those same people life was completely normal.

“I think it’d be better if I stayed elsewhere for the rest of shore leave.” Anna swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She hated that things had come to this and as tears blurred her vision couldn’t help but think how this was just another in a long list of things that she’d fucked up.

Stopping in front of a larger topiary display, this one with a number of hedges shaped to look like earth animals, she turned away from James so he couldn’t see her cry. Anna felt the tears start to fall as James wrapped his strong arms around her. Closing her eyes she wordlessly turned to face him and pressed it against his chest. Breathing in the comforting smell of warm spices mixed with metal shavings and gun oil, she let it out. 

James hugged Anna close to him and gently rested his chin on the top of her head. It was heartbreaking that it was ending like this but...maybe it wasn’t meant to be. That being in such a high-stakes environment for months at a time blurred what was nothing more than physical attraction into the illusion of _something_ else?

Eventually the tears subsided and Anna felt her face heat up. Taking a step back, she quickly wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks, feeling embarrassed for the display.

“I guess that’s it?” James said, wanting to tell Anna that this was stupid, plenty of people made N-school and being in the Alliance work, but also knowing that it wasn’t likely to change her mind.

“I guess so. We did have some really good sex though.” Anna let a half-smile creep onto her face. “I’ll stay on third shift, that way we don’t really have to see each other.”

“Who’s going to clean up at the morning spar then?” James tried to muster up a smile, but couldn’t. His feelings towards Anna were deep...or at least he thought they’d been. Their conversation after Tuckanka had every indication that they both cared for each other more than just ‘friends with benefits.’ But now everything hurt and he didn’t want to dwell on it. So he shoved it down and focused on the russet redhead in front of him, eyes still slightly red from crying.

“Somehow I think you’ll find someone. For what it’s worth...I don’t regret any of it.”

“Me either. Do you want to walk back to the apartment together or stagger?”

“I actually have a few errands to run. But thanks, LT.” Anna gave James a nod before heading towards the skycar port.

James watched Ryder leave and let another heavy breath out, this one doing nothing to relieve the heavy feeling in his stomach. Slowly walking back to the apartment, he wished it wasn’t as early in the day cycle as it was so he could drown his feelings in tequila and _cerveza_. 

\--

Anna got out at the Presidium and shuffled her way through the flood of refugees, towards the front where the desk for the Human Embassy was. She took one look at how swamped they were and how harried the receptionists looked; everyone was trying to locate missing family or try to get through to those that were fighting in Reaper territory. “ _I doubt they’re going to let me through just because I claim to know Commander Shepard._ ” she thought while backtracking and looping around the area. 

Slipping through C-Sec was almost comically easy, she gave a few hungry looking kids a handful of credit chits and told them to cause a distraction. A few minutes later the sound of a scuffle breaking out, mixed with shouting and yelling, drawing the guards away from the hallway that led to the Spectre’s room and she slipped through.

She knew that the Commander was there because she’d swallowed her distrust of EDI for a second and asked the AI for the Commander’s schedule. EDI had said that Shepard always liked to get in some Spectre training the last morning of shore leave. “ _The only problem left is that I can’t get inside the office._ ” Anna told herself as she looked at the several ID scanners on the wall. “ _Looks like I’ll just have to wait._ ”

Rose Shepard stepped out of the Spectre office and did a double-take as she spotted Ryder’s familiar blue and maroon jacket down the hall. Walking towards her, she waited until she was nearer to ask, “How did you get past-actually I don’t want to know. Plausible deniability. Did you need something Ryder?”

Anna stood and nodded, “Do you mind if we talk Commander?” 

“Sure.” Rose hid a smile at the curious expressions of the C-Sec officers as she walked by with Ryder but neither offered an explanation. Pressing the button for two levels above the docks she waited until the doors of the elevator closed to ask, “Something on your mind?”

Anna stared out the glass windows as the elevator descended for a few seconds before saying, “Remember when you asked me to give some thought to my post-war plans?”

Shepard nodded, but didn’t say anything, feeling like Ryder was having a hard time coming to terms with something.

“I wanted to thank you in person, without you agreeing to help with my Red gang I probably would’ve become another C-Sec stat. With Alec and Scott...gone I don’t have anyone else really. Maybe if my mom had still been alive a lot of this wouldn’t have happened; she always tried to get me to see what good I had.” Clearing her throat, Anna turned to face the Commander. “After we deal with Cerberus and take back Earth I’m resigning and staying on the planet. I got an email from a lawyer who’s been trying to track me down since before this whole thing started.”

“Oh? And what did they want?”

“Apparently Scott and Alec left me whatever credits they had left in their accounts before they left with the Initiative. I saw the amounts and it’s more than enough to get me set up somewhere else.” 

“What are you going to do? If you don’t mind me asking.” By this time the elevator had reached the floor and glided to a stop. Walking out, Shepard started to slowly wander down the street with Ryder right next to her.

“Not sure. I’ve been hearing that Australia and New Zealand didn’t get hit that bad. I might go there, find a beach, and just surf to my heart's content.”

“I’m sure Vega’s going to love the view.” Shepard offhandedly replied, knowing that the two of them had gotten closer as of late. But Ryder was silent and when Rose glanced over she saw the tight look on the younger woman’s face. Rose waited for an explanation but when none came, she didn’t pry. Whatever was going on wasn’t her business, even if Vega was a friend.

Stopping she turned towards the younger woman and smiled, “I’m not going to lie that you won’t be missed. You’ve been a hell of an addition to my team and I’m glad that it all worked out. I’m sad to see you go, but I understand needing to move on. I’ll let Traynor know and she can start the paperwork and forward it to Hackett.” 

Anna smiled at Shepard's words, the praise sending a warm feeling throughout her chest. “Thank you Commander.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ready to help take back Earth, James and Anna have one last goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does contain Explicit content, please make sure that you're old enough to read it wherever you live. Also this is the last of the game compliant fics, the rest will be taking place post-ME3. Enjoy!

Kai Lang and Cerberus had finally been dealt with and the next day Shepard announced that the Crucible was finished so they were going to hit Earth with all the firepower that they had. 

That meant double-shifts to make sure that all of the squad’s weapons and armor could stand against Reaper forces and deliver a hell of a punch. Ryder’s world narrowed down to a rotation of sleeping, working down in the cargo bay repairing and modifying weapons, and staying awake enough to eat something and making it to her bunk before falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. In a way it was nice to have so much to focus on, she didn’t have time to dwell on how she’d be leaving the Normandy after the war or how her and Vega hadn’t worked out. Even though she’d been sure that James had been someone she could see a possible future with.

But right now it was all-hands on deck as they prepped the fleets to punch through the forces surrounding Earth and there was little time to think of anything else.

Anna made sure the goggles were fastened securely before she reached for the soldering iron and metal to start repairing the pair of pistols. The faint acrid smell of metal made its way through the mask she was wearing but she’d gotten used to it by now- the only thing that mattered was that she finish the repairs and move onto the shotgun that was waiting. The shuttle bay was humming with activity, but she was able to tune it out and focus on the tasks at hand. 

“ _If I can’t be on the fire teams, then this is the least I can do._ ” Anna told herself as she set the pistols aside to cool before filing them down. “ _Even if I reinforced my gauntlet to make up for the lack of strength. But the Commander’s word is law and she doesn’t want me in combat._ ”

Taking off the goggles and mask, she picked up a scope while holding it up to make sure it was calibrated properly. As she stared, a figure moved into the crosshairs and she instantly knew who the stretched grey t-shirt belonged to. Opening her other eye, Anna saw James standing on the other side of the tool bench. 

“Lieutenant.” she said in what she hoped was a steady voice while lowering the scope and adjusting it slightly. Since the double shifts started it had been hard to avoid each other, but they managed to keep it professional….even if Anna wanted to drag James into the maze of cargo containers and kiss him blind.

“Corporal.” James nodded, looking at the chaos the work bench had become since everything had ratched up into high gear and the circles under Ryder’s eyes that he knew mirrored his own. “How are we looking?”

Anna stood, stretching muscles that hadn’t moved in awhile while taking off the mask, “Pretty good. Just finished repairing Major Alenko’s pistols and was going to start on a shotgun while they cooled.”

“Good. I-there’s a squad briefing when we’re finally groundside.”

Anna looked at Vega with confusion on her face- realizing he must not have known Shepard’s decision. “Doctor Chakwas wouldn’t clear me for active duty and the Commander agreed so I won’t be at the briefing.”

“Oh, sorry. I know how much you wanted to be back in the field.” James itched to close the distance between them and wrap his arms around Ryder. But they’d settled into an unspoken agreement of keeping enough space between them and he was going to continue to honor that. “Heard a rumor that you’re leaving the Normandy after this is over.”

“Not a rumor. Got tired of the same weather in space so I’m off to wherever has the better surfing.” 

“Is that the only reason?”

“What, you want me to say that it’s because we broke up and I can’t stand to be on the same ship with you?”

James gave a slight shake of his head while letting a small smile appear, “If you were someone else, maybe. But it seemed like you were finding your footing with...everything.”

Anna shrugged, “Honestly I was. But really, when this is all over they’d transfer me to some other frigate and I don’t think I can work under anyone other than the Commander. Besides, the Alliance and myself didn’t get along the first time. Making a career out of it was never in the cards.”

“Wish you would’ve mentioned you were leaving. That way we could’ve had a hell of a send off at Purgatory.”

Anna couldn’t help but laugh at the comment and felt a flash of warmth travel through her chest, the same feeling that she’d felt on their last shore leave when James had surprised her with breakfast. But enough time had passed that she pushed it down. “I...should finish Major Alenko’s pistols, I think they’ve cooled down enough.”

James cleared his throat and nodded, watching Ryder turn her attention back to the task at hand. A ping on his omni-tool told him that he was needed elsewhere and as he turned towards the elevator, spared a glance back towards Anna. She was focused on filing down L2’s pistols and he felt a pit in his stomach grow at the thought of her leaving the ship. He wanted to pull her into the cargo stacks and just talk to her, try to get her to stay so they could try again, but he shoved the feeling down and turned to face the elevator. 

\---

Earth was a living nightmare. 

Ryder had heard vague reports of what was happening on the planet, but nothing prepared her for the desolate landscape that she saw after stepping out of the Normandy. The sky was perpetually grey, you could always hear Reaper sounds in the distance, and the air had a metallic taste to it that she hoped just meant it was electrified. 

“ _How they survived for over a year like this is beyond me._ ” she thought while sweeping her gaze across the compound that had become Admiral Anderson’s headquarters. Turning back to the task at hand, she focused on finishing the last of the weapon’s repairs so everything would be ready for the Commander and the rest of the fire team. The shuttle bay was bustling with activity; cargo was being shifted around so they could get at the necessary supplies, other containers were being unloaded and prepped for the push, weapons and armor were being double-checked and distributed. It was chaos, but at the same time comforting because it meant that the end was hopefully in sight.

Once the repairs were completed she focused on running around the makeshift armory; helping with last minute armor repairs that could be easily patched, making sure the correct weapons got to the correct person, and that everyone had enough of their preferred ammo. Then all of a sudden the area was quiet and Anna was alone. 

A glance at her omni-tool told her the groundside briefing was about to start, which could explain why everyone had left. “ _Might as well grab my stuff and then find the compound’s armory._ ” she thought while wiping the grease of her hands with a rag.

She didn’t know if it was a good thing that all the things she really cared about were able to fit into two standard issue duffle bags, but it made it easier to carry back down to the shuttle bay. The earlier noise was gone and her footsteps against the metal floor echoed in the now empty space.

“Leaving without a goodbye?” 

Anna paused at James’s voice, stopping to look in the direction of his bunk. He was finishing up with his armor, his helmet on the bunk next to him. Gripping the straps she shrugged, “Everything’s taken care of, so I figured I’d grab my stuff and head over to my assignment. That way it’d be less awkward.”

“The Commander station you groundside?” James picked up his helmet and slowly walked towards Ryder. As he did, he couldn’t help but notice that the Alliance fatigues looked much better on her now than they did when she first came on board. "And only two duffel bags? I remember that you have more stuff than that."

Anna nodded, trying to focus on James’s face and not how nice the armor framed him. “This is only the stuff that I really can't leave behind. Everything else is back on the Citdael and I'll figure out a way to get after everything. The Commander thought that I could help out with their armory and fixing things. Since I’m good with that. Fixing weapons that is.” 

Knowing that she was starting to get flustered and ramble, Anna swallowed and took a deep breath to steady her suddenly racing heart. “Aren’t you late for the briefing?”

James took another step towards Anna, dropping his helmet on the floor, “I don’t care.”

Anna couldn’t help but laugh at the comment and then James is next to her, almost touching but hesitating. She wanted to take a step back, to keep her distance, but the pull of him was too strong and she placed her hands on his shoulders. The biweave metal of his armor was cool to the touch and she released a shaky breath. “I have to-”

“I know. If you don’t want to, just say so. I’ll walk away and we can focus on kicking those Reaper bastards out of here.” He paused, licking his lips and taking a shaky breath. “But I wanted to say good-bye one last time.”

Anna dropped her duffle bags and stared into his eyes. “Don’t...go.”

James closed the small distance between them and crushed his lips against hers. His hands moved automatically to her sides and slid down her legs to support her as she wrapped them around his waist. He gave her thighs a squeeze and growled a little when he realized that his armor was between them. Breaking the kiss, he pushed her against the wall and quickly pulled off his gauntlets, dropping them to the floor as well. Breathing heavily he felt his omni-tool vibrate and made a face. “ _Someone finally realized I’m missing._ ” he thought while opening it and flipping it to ‘do not disturb’ mode.

Anna arched as his thigh brushed between her and let out a small noise. Then her brain caught up with her and she realized there was a barrier between them. “Let me down.” she said between kisses.

“You want to stop?”

“No. Your armor.”

James let go of her legs while straightening his leg and Anna unwrapped herself from his torso. Sloppy, hurried kisses followed as they both tried to remove his armor; fingers scrambling over the seams, bumping into each other as they both tried to get it off. James took her wrists in his hands to still them, “I’ll do the chest if you do the legs.” 

Anna quirked an eyebrow, a clever retort on the edge of her tongue but she let it pass because they didn’t have a lot of time before someone either walked by looking for equipment or James. He stepped back so she had more room to maneuver in and she quickly knelt to remove the greaves. Pushing them aside she stood to help pull his chest plate the rest of the way off. 

“Are...you good with my bunk?” James asked as he let his armor fall to the ground and took off his undersuit before he pulled Ryder back towards him, fumbling with the buttons on her uniform. 

“Yeah. As long as we’re quick.” Anna managed to get out as he opened her jacket and pushed it back, trailing kisses down her throat until he reached the strap of her tank top.

“The one time someone’s said that to me.” James laughed as he walked them back towards his bunk. He was glad that it was far enough back that anyone walking in on them would have to be fully in view, but he’d be lying if this didn’t give him a slight thrill. He’d always wanted to have sex in his bunk with Anna, but it’d been hard with either Esteban or any number of people that always seemed to be around.

They collapse onto the mattress with a groaning of springs and there’s an awkward shuffle as they got situated on the just wide enough mattress. Placing her legs by James’s hips, Anna arched into him when his hands slid under her top. She’d missed those strong, callused hands against her skin and feeling them again made her want to rethink it all and stay. Then James unbuttoned her pants and all thoughts fled her mind as he took them off.

Hands pulled at Jame’s tank top and he paused long enough to shove it off and removed Ryder’s so they were just in their underwear. Pressing kisses along her stomach he felt his own hardness move against his boxers. At that he paused, realizing something.

Anna opened her eyes when she felt James still and looked down at him. “What?”

James shuffled so he was at eye level with Ryder, “I don’t have any condoms.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. If you want we still can-”

“That’s fine.” Anna interrupted James, placing a hand on his shoulder and looking directly at him.

James stared at Anna, letting the meaning sink in. “You sure?”

“I am.” Anna gave James a quick kiss to reassure him. “Hurry up, someone’s probably looking for you and I don’t think you want to give them a show.”

James raised an eyebrow at the comment, “Why, do you?”

Anna laughed while lifting her hips so she brushed against his erection. “You’ll never know.”

James responded with a kiss against her neck while nudging her legs farther apart with his knee. She opened for him eagerly and slid down so she was fully on her back. With a grunt he pushed inside her and paused while bracing himself with his arms on either side of Ryder, letting them both get used to the feeling again. It had been awhile since they’d been together but at the same time it felt like no time had passed at all. 

As he started to move, Anna covered her mouth with a hand to stifle the noises that she wanted James to hear but knew if he could, then others could as well. As he picked up the pace, she felt the pressure in her core increase and trailed a hand across her breast to get herself even more worked up. Arching at the shot of pleasure she moved her other hand from her mouth to her other breast, fingers lightly playing with her nipples.

James watched Anna touch herself and let out a shaky breath, before grabbing a wrist and pinning it above her head. “Not there.” he growled, pausing his movements.

Anna quirked an eyebrow as an amused smile appeared, “Then where?”

James guided the hand across her breast and down her stomach until it brushed her curls. “There.” He whispered into her ear before resuming.

“So bossy.” Anna retorted but pressed her fingers against her clit, arching at the pressure and letting a small moan escape.

“Quiet, someone might hear.” James could tell that the mischievous glint in Anna’s eye mirrored his own and if they’d had more time he’d be willing to see if that was something she got off on. As it was, he was figuring out that the thrill of being discovered was doing something for him.

Moving her fingers in circles in time with James’s movement, Anna could feel the pressure grow and her own breathing increase. Bracing her legs against the mattress, she moved so they could both go deeper. Closing her eyes she let the springs groaning in time to their movement fill her ears as well as the sounds of their skin slapping together. Pressing harder and harder, she felt the tightness grow then she came hard and fast, biting down on her wrist as she rode the waves of her orgasm, her world narrowing to just the two of them before it came into focus again. 

James slightly stuttered his movements as he felt Ryder clench around him but continued to fuck her through it. His kisses got more and more sloppy as he sped up his pace even more to chase his own release and then slammed into Ryder one more time before stiffening, spilling into her. He’s aware of Anna pressing herself against him as he gave shallow thrusts into her as he rode the wave out, that she’s giving him biting kisses but not hard enough to leave a mark. 

Eventually James felt himself start to come down and opened his eyes, seeing Ryder staring back at him.

Then reality caught up with him and was suddenly aware of where they are and what had just happened. He’s not that embarrassed by it, but he doesn’t know what’s going through Ryder’s mind. Normally he might be able to decode what her gaze meant, she joked one time that he was the ‘Ryder Whisperer’ because he had a way of dragging out what was on her mind when most wouldn’t even notice.

Anna spotted the realization flashing through James’s eyes and knew that what they’d done finally had a chance to sink in. But she doesn’t regret it, not when they’d come so far and been through so much. “Hey,” she said, lightly tapping his chin with a finger. “it’s the end of the world. We’re allowed to do stuff like this.”

“Good. ‘cause otherwise I might feel stupid.” James pulled out of Ryder and they shuffled so they could both lay on the mattress. They lay like that for a few minutes, each caught up on their own thoughts. 

Anna wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and fall asleep next to James again, but that would break her resolve and right now she couldn’t. “ _Nothing would change and I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t end up like Alec and mom._ ” she told herself while sitting up and reaching for her underwear and tank top.

“I’ll get them.” James crawled over Ryder to get out of bunk and scooped up her things before going to the pile of clean rags he normally kept on the other side of the alcove. “Figured you might want to clean up.” 

“Thanks.” Anna took the rag as well as her underwear with a small smile of gratitude and watched for a moment as James went for his own underclothes. Quickly cleaning up, she slipped on her underwear and tank top. 

They were silent as they dressed and James put his armor back on. Finding his helmet next to her duffle bags, Anna picked it up and held it out to him. “Listen...I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. What just-it doesn’t change anything.”

“I didn’t think it did, but that’s good to know.” James took the outstretched helmet and there was an awkward beat. “Like you said it’s the end of the world, everyone's probably doing things one last time.”

“Give the Reapers hell.”

James winked as he turned towards the end of the shuttle bay, “You know I will.”

Anna watched as James disappeared down the loading ramp and after taking a steadying breath, picked up her bags and walked down the ramp of the Normandy. Whatever happened after this, she'd be able to honestly thank the Commander for giving her a second chance and for showing her that she was worth more than just a last name and a checkered past.


End file.
